Complete Honesty

For as long as I can remember the major thing that has been stressed over and over again and again is to be honest. I was always told that if I were to just tell the truth then the punishment wouldn't be as bad, or that people would like me more. "No one likes a liar" was heard so many times that it almost made you want to be a lair. It was a joke really... hypocrites they are. This world is filled with nothing but lies on top of more lies. So, for once I'm taking the advice that was given to me over and over again. This is my blog, starting now, of complete and utter honesty. I wont twist the truth, I wont even decorate it with lies to better my story. It is what it is. Real Life.

This morning I woke up wishing it was Sunday. I really didn't want to go to work and it wasn't just the fact that my job is no longer my job. I wasn't sick, nor was I really even filling all that bad. I got enough sleep and could have been up when my alarm went off at six. Though instead I just got up, pissed, and went back into my warm sheets. I didn't want to face the day. I'm beginning to dread getting up and living the same day over. It's like that movie 'Ground Hog Day'. Though instead of it really being the same day, the days actually go by. One after the other just cruising on by and laughing at my sad excuse for an existence. However, I need the money in order to stay alive. So, off to work I went.

I hate today, for no real reason. I just hate this day. It's not because it's Monday, or the fact that it's raining on and off. It's not due to the cold, nor to a bad day at work. Really, things are fine. I just have this feeling in my gut. This hatred for today. Yesterday was the same. Saturday was great though. I loved that day with all of myself. I thought of drinking... maybe buying cigarettes even though I don't smoke. However, I hate the smell of smoke and would really love to burn the skin of smokers with their own cigarettes. (Remember, I said it was all the truth so don't give me any crap that you think I'm wrong. We all think these things... I'm just brave enough to say it.) I don't really drink. I think it's a weak cure and temporary too. So instead I'm sitting here watching my own little marathon of 'Weeds'. I like the show, it's entertaining and very amusing. I don't really have any desire to talk to anyone today. I just want to sit in my apartment and dwell in my own self pity. To watch my shows and then eventually sleep.

Speaking of sleep... I haven't been sleeping so well. It's not that I'm not getting enough sleep, I am. It's the fact that I'm dreaming the weirdest dreams. I should write them down.. I always forget them as the day goes on. Perhaps that's why I hate today. My dreams must be trying so damn hard to tell me something. I know I'm stressed, but there isn't anything I can do immediately to solve it. So if my dreams are trying to tell me how to solve it, or just the fact that it needs to be solved... I guess they can just keep telling me.

My stress isn't just over work, it's over life. It's the fact that I have to at least 75% of the time put on a fake smile. Now don't get me wrong here... it's not that I'm an "unhappy" person or that I have some issues that may need therapy or drugs. It's just how it is. No one is happy all of the time and I'd be surprised if people are happy even 90% of the time. If they are, then the must have some wonderful lives. They should share... seriously. I don't believe in taking drugs just to be able to deal with life. If you need drugs to do that, then you truly are the weakest link. If it was as nature is, you'd probably have been dead by now or never born. (Hey, telling it as it is.) Besides, most of those kind of people are Americans and most of those Americans don't have good diets. Poor nutrition does effect the way the brain and body functions which in turn creates the way you feel. No, my hatred of today has nothing to do with that. I took my iron and I ate well today. For once. I'm as much as I hate to admit it, I'm just like most of those Americans and don't eat well enough and I sure as hell don't get enough exercise.

I'm negative you say? Hell yes. Care to know why? Too bad, you're gonna be told anyway. The reason is simple and 100% true. The world.

Double Sided

Each day I feel more unhappy with the way things are in my relationship. I feel like I have two of me inside one. At some moments I know for sure that this is what I want and that things are perfect. The other part of me is kicking and screaming. Begging for release. Is this just part of being young, showing me that I'm not ready for a more serious commitment then I have already made? Or is this the real side of me, wanted to get out?

Side One: He seems to want what I want and is willing to do those things in the time frame I set. He show's he can work hard and be a supporter so to speak. He challenges me mentally. Really gets me thinking of things and showing me that it's wonderful to have my own opinion but how to research things before establishing that opinion. This side of me wants to keep him, marry him, and have a family with this wonderful man.

Side Two: He's irratation with his habits. He's a slob, leaves cabnets open, gets pasta sause everwhere, attempts to clean but fails do to the lack of caring about the correct way to. He's so different from any other man when it comes to sexual things... and at this point I don't know if it's good or bad. He spends more time with the computer then with me and then comes to sit next to me when I'm watching tv or on the comp, or walks up to me when I'm cleaning and acts as if that's spending time with me. Why can't he just ask if I want to do something? Why can't he suggest us going somewhere or does he even want to go anywhere? Why doesn't he take me out on surprise dates or even just take me out to dinner in general! What happened to the guy who was trying to impress me. I know I've got him yet I try hard to impress him every day in order to try and keep that "spark" alive. Why is it that when I prance around all sexy that he doesn't get the hint and I have to practically beg for it! He never remembers anything and then when he claims to remember something he's always right yet I know he's not. I'm silly, fun and he's serious and acts like an old man. This side of me wants out so damn bad but feels trapped and afraid of the comments of the family; wants to be free to be me without any limitations and without being forced to be healthier by becoming a size 0. Yes, I feel unattractive to him.

I'm going crazy. Help!

Rainy Day, Sunny Outlook!

I woke up exactly when I wanted to even though I forgot to put the delay brew on my coffee maker. I love waking up to the smell of coffee, something about it really makes me feel content in the morning and more of a morning person then I ever thought I could be. I even made myself a cheese omelet.

I have to say living on my own has been the best thing. I'm starting to find that being that independant is causing me to be that much more mature.

Getting gas this morning... was rediculous. I had to go around the direct route to that gas station becuase the road has been closed due to consturtion. Well, because that one little road was closed, it caused more traffice on the main road through my town.... therefore causing it to take about ten minutes just to get to a gas station that would normally only take me two minutes to get to. Then I had to get out of the gas station, what a nightmare! People are so rude to block you into a driveway. It took me twenty five minutes just to get gas and get to work! Of course... I was late.

Even though its been rainy all morning and my trying to get gas this morning was a mess leading me to be late to work... I still feel as if my day is great. Something about this morning just caused me to really have a sunny outlook on a rainy, depressing day.

I must admit, I love the sound of the rain.

Mr. Right Dilemma

For the past few years I've been in crappy relationships and quite disappointed that I hadn't found Mr. Right. Is there even a Mr. Right anyway? I mean... everyone I know seems to have or have had something to complain about as if they honestly couldn't stand the person they were with. Now I understand that no one is perfect and everyone does make mistakes and have their quirks... but I've just always thought that there was someone out there who had the nearly the same mistake making and quirks, which in turn would cause them to be... well... pretty much a perfect match. It's not true though is it? There is no such thing as a perfect match or nearly perfect match.... it's like having friends it seems. You like to be around them for the most part, but then you also just sort of deal with them in order to fill that void. Best friends just being less to just deal with and more actually enjoying their company and it seems that being in love with someone is the same.

Can you honestly say you are "In Love" with someone? I mean... I hear all this crap about all the different degree's of love... family, friends, and then that special someone. Is that even true, do you love people differently, because to be honest I don't think I do. I love all the same... which really as of right now I feel only means you care for them. I really am beginning to believe that there is no such thing as being "In Love" with someone. It's only what we wish we could have, and whats thrown in moves and books to make you believe you have or can have it. A way again, of just filling the void and the question on whether such a thing could exist. If there was such a thing as true love... why is it that I could want to be with more then one person at once. How can you love and think you could be "In Love" with more then one? Does this mean I would just need to choose who I can deal with being with for the rest of my life? I'm so lost in all this that I almost don't want to ever be "In Love" or with anyone for that matter, ever.

I'd rather be alone and have that void remain a void rather then trying to figure out what the best path to take is. It's like deciding on job... if you take the wrong one the other offers most likely wont still be there when you realize that the job you took was not one you really wanted. What if the real thing, Mr. Right, was there and you didn't choose him and was gone forever? Could you find another and if so, how was the first one Mr. Right?

What A Dilemma!