Double Sided

Each day I feel more unhappy with the way things are in my relationship. I feel like I have two of me inside one. At some moments I know for sure that this is what I want and that things are perfect. The other part of me is kicking and screaming. Begging for release. Is this just part of being young, showing me that I'm not ready for a more serious commitment then I have already made? Or is this the real side of me, wanted to get out?

Side One: He seems to want what I want and is willing to do those things in the time frame I set. He show's he can work hard and be a supporter so to speak. He challenges me mentally. Really gets me thinking of things and showing me that it's wonderful to have my own opinion but how to research things before establishing that opinion. This side of me wants to keep him, marry him, and have a family with this wonderful man.

Side Two: He's irratation with his habits. He's a slob, leaves cabnets open, gets pasta sause everwhere, attempts to clean but fails do to the lack of caring about the correct way to. He's so different from any other man when it comes to sexual things... and at this point I don't know if it's good or bad. He spends more time with the computer then with me and then comes to sit next to me when I'm watching tv or on the comp, or walks up to me when I'm cleaning and acts as if that's spending time with me. Why can't he just ask if I want to do something? Why can't he suggest us going somewhere or does he even want to go anywhere? Why doesn't he take me out on surprise dates or even just take me out to dinner in general! What happened to the guy who was trying to impress me. I know I've got him yet I try hard to impress him every day in order to try and keep that "spark" alive. Why is it that when I prance around all sexy that he doesn't get the hint and I have to practically beg for it! He never remembers anything and then when he claims to remember something he's always right yet I know he's not. I'm silly, fun and he's serious and acts like an old man. This side of me wants out so damn bad but feels trapped and afraid of the comments of the family; wants to be free to be me without any limitations and without being forced to be healthier by becoming a size 0. Yes, I feel unattractive to him.

I'm going crazy. Help!

Rainy Day, Sunny Outlook!

I woke up exactly when I wanted to even though I forgot to put the delay brew on my coffee maker. I love waking up to the smell of coffee, something about it really makes me feel content in the morning and more of a morning person then I ever thought I could be. I even made myself a cheese omelet.

I have to say living on my own has been the best thing. I'm starting to find that being that independant is causing me to be that much more mature.

Getting gas this morning... was rediculous. I had to go around the direct route to that gas station becuase the road has been closed due to consturtion. Well, because that one little road was closed, it caused more traffice on the main road through my town.... therefore causing it to take about ten minutes just to get to a gas station that would normally only take me two minutes to get to. Then I had to get out of the gas station, what a nightmare! People are so rude to block you into a driveway. It took me twenty five minutes just to get gas and get to work! Of course... I was late.

Even though its been rainy all morning and my trying to get gas this morning was a mess leading me to be late to work... I still feel as if my day is great. Something about this morning just caused me to really have a sunny outlook on a rainy, depressing day.

I must admit, I love the sound of the rain.

Mr. Right Dilemma

For the past few years I've been in crappy relationships and quite disappointed that I hadn't found Mr. Right. Is there even a Mr. Right anyway? I mean... everyone I know seems to have or have had something to complain about as if they honestly couldn't stand the person they were with. Now I understand that no one is perfect and everyone does make mistakes and have their quirks... but I've just always thought that there was someone out there who had the nearly the same mistake making and quirks, which in turn would cause them to be... well... pretty much a perfect match. It's not true though is it? There is no such thing as a perfect match or nearly perfect match.... it's like having friends it seems. You like to be around them for the most part, but then you also just sort of deal with them in order to fill that void. Best friends just being less to just deal with and more actually enjoying their company and it seems that being in love with someone is the same.

Can you honestly say you are "In Love" with someone? I mean... I hear all this crap about all the different degree's of love... family, friends, and then that special someone. Is that even true, do you love people differently, because to be honest I don't think I do. I love all the same... which really as of right now I feel only means you care for them. I really am beginning to believe that there is no such thing as being "In Love" with someone. It's only what we wish we could have, and whats thrown in moves and books to make you believe you have or can have it. A way again, of just filling the void and the question on whether such a thing could exist. If there was such a thing as true love... why is it that I could want to be with more then one person at once. How can you love and think you could be "In Love" with more then one? Does this mean I would just need to choose who I can deal with being with for the rest of my life? I'm so lost in all this that I almost don't want to ever be "In Love" or with anyone for that matter, ever.

I'd rather be alone and have that void remain a void rather then trying to figure out what the best path to take is. It's like deciding on job... if you take the wrong one the other offers most likely wont still be there when you realize that the job you took was not one you really wanted. What if the real thing, Mr. Right, was there and you didn't choose him and was gone forever? Could you find another and if so, how was the first one Mr. Right?

What A Dilemma!